Vendredi 28 septembre 2012 à 23:50

http://imparfaiite.cowblog.fr/images/Blalba/370561875559078914lWIRBEejf.jpg
Les vagues régulières et violentes d’un désespoir à l’arrière-plan de moi-même, d’une tristesse qui vient, et se bascule, et claque sur la paroi au fond de mon être, tristesse inaccessible à l’entendement, que je soigne par une catharsis à l’aveugle, en cherchant par l’art à transcender la barrière intérieure. Les souffles de douleur caressent et frappent, mais disparaissent dès que je m’en approche trop pour en éprouver la source.

J’ai le cœur qui saigne à flot, dans une douce euphorie, les larmes intérieures se brisent avec violence mais avec échos contre les sons de la musique. J’ai le cœur qui hurle mais qui n’entend pas son cri et qui se croirait alors presque en train de chanter. Il ne reste de sa douleur que ce sentiment fort, à fleur de peau, sensible comme une plaie vive, à chaque note. L’euphorie de l’écoulement intérieure expressif dans une nouvelle dimension, jaillit, jaillit. Se mêlent la fatigue (immense), le désespoir (infini comme la mer), la joie (bonheur esthétique), provoquée au fond par une certaine confiance retrouvée, confiance dans l’art, donc dans la vie. Confiance soudaine, circonscrite, fragile devant le flot intérieur qui ne cesse de se cogner contre les parois de mon corps, que je voudrais ex-primer (d’où cette soif intense de création, d’art). Folies esthétiques : enthousiasme sensible à la musique, ravissement intellectuel (Barthes est un putain de poète.).

(AVANT)

JE VOUDRAIS CRIER

Entre les murs de cette chambre si nouvelle et déjà si mienne, chaque parcelle de mon corps tremble devant l’assaut répété. Et les mots se répètent aussi, à la manière d’une invocation. Je panse devant l’échec de la pensée, je panse en noyant dans l’émotion pure ces surplus de moi, ces pensées dont la colère me secoue. A travers elle, c’est mon équilibre personnel qui vacille. Et j’irai me projeter dans le ciel avant d’abandonner mon corps, et j’actionne désespérément mes doigts sur le clavier, avec un désespoir nouvellement heureux, porté par cette symbiose nouvelle du flux et de l’ailleurs.

« Tu disais souvent, je vais te perdre / Je te répondais tout le temps, tu dis n’importe quoi, comme toujours »

 « Avant »

«Mais on refaisait l’amour, souvent …avant »


Discipline d’ailleurs qui éclate au sein du seuil, faire craquer les murs solides d’un désir.

Ma violence intérieure, mon sursaut d’envie Oui, retour profond aux fondements de sa propre puissance, et de son identité (pour moi, l’impression sensible de mon flux vital, l’envie de créer, l’envie d’aimer). Je repense à ce mot, amour. Fondement absolu, inconscient, lourd. Je repense à mes discussions  avec la psy. Amour amour. Amour physique, maintenant, vécu comme l’expérience absolue (dépassement de l’altérité, sensation intense de son être au monde).

Encore, une fois, la surprise de la sensation profonde, ressentie au fond de son corps-même et dont on se rappelle par là l’existence, avec une force immense. Avec un trouble immense. L’appréhension d’une sensation intense, quand elle est voilée par l’intérieur même qui l’exprime.

Je me retrouve, même dans le désespoir gris, à nouveau dans les essences bouillonnantes qui m’ont toujours accompagnée. Au cœur de l’intense.

« Puis tu disais mon grand, mon grand, refais moi l’amour. »

« L'espoir fait vivre. L'espoir fait vivre. Vivre d'espoir, vivre d'espoir faire vivre. Vivre d’espoir fait vivre ».


Euphorie, délire total.

« J’avale le vent j’avale la vie. Mais assez parlé de moi ».


Ca y est, je suis épuisée



Les guillemets-italiques, cf. Benjamin Biolay "L'espoir fait vivre" et "Jaloux de tout"

Par maud96 le Lundi 1er octobre 2012 à 23:29
Crier seule, entre les murs d'une chambre, je trouve que c'est bien triste : il faut avoir des ami(e)s.
Tu écris très bien, mais exprimes des phases intérieures si complexes qu'on craint, en mettant un com après un tel texte, d'être infiniment maladroite...
Par imparfaiite le Mardi 2 octobre 2012 à 18:50
Ne t'inquiète pas pour moi :), à la fin de cette article, j'étais heureuse. Le sentiment artistique, de plus, est assez difficile à partager dans cette intensité.
Par Macmouth le Mercredi 3 octobre 2012 à 15:27
Je suis touchée de ton commentaire. Je ne peux comprendre la douleur que l'on peut ressentir face à de tels événements, mais la triste détresse de mon amie face à ce drame m'affecte tant que je crois saisir quelques parcelles de ces sentiments. Et je souhaite qu'ils s'apaisent le plus calmement possible. Courage, aussi. <3 *
Par delairverslainepourdesbeauxreins le Lundi 8 octobre 2012 à 22:45
je te recommande renaud papillon paravel (oups je fais de la publicité)
Par jemappelleferdinand le Dimanche 14 octobre 2012 à 14:08
J'avale le vent j'avale la vie...
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